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lib/screenplay-xml/txt/selina-mandrake-the-slayer.txt

-<s id="towtf1" title="Selina Mandrake - *The* Slayer">
-
-[Catch phrase: “Caught between post-Modernism and the New Age”]
-
-[<b>Written by:</b> <a href="http://www.shlomifish.org/">Shlomi Fish</a>.]
-
-[<b>Note:</b> This is a tribute/parody of “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” (both
-the show and, to a lesser extent, the film) and of other sources of
-inspiration such as the Star Trek franchise (primarily “Deep Space Nine”) as
-well as other sources.
-]
-
-[<b>Note:</b> style note, when the vampires and demons in the story talk in
-a dramatic and phony tone it is placed in “ALL CAPS” (inspired by the talk
-of Death in the Discworld series). When they talk non-dramatically and honestly,
-it is placed in proper capitalisation.]
-
-<s id="selina-in-history-class" title="Selina in History Class">
-
-[Selina Mandrake is sitting in a classroom taking notes, the other students
-are paying attention, and taking notes too. Selina is an attractive (but
-not overly so) girl in her high school senior year, who has immigrated
-to California from England.]
-
-Selina’s Internal Dialogue: [In her native English accent] Wow! Why did I have
-to major in history. All we learn about is minutae of obscure political
-documents from modern times. Like that’s going to prepare me for being an
-Archaeologist . Maybe I should have majored in maths… or physics… or something.
-
-+++: Not to mention that U.S. Archaeology is a joke. Not that England is much
-better. Maybe I could study somewhere in the middle east. Turkey… Egypt…
-Israel… mmm…
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="in-the-hallway" title="In the hallway">
-
-[The bell rings and many school kids are walking out of the classroom,
-including Selina. She has an empty hour. As she walks in the hallway, she
-is sometimes greeted by “Hi, Selina!”, “What’s new?”, etc. and answers
-briefly. She finds Jessica and Jonathan standing next to Jessica’s locker and
-approaches them.]
-
-Selina: Oh, there you are. Hi Jess, hi Jon.
-
-Jessica: Selina! I see you’ve survived History class.
-
-Selina: Yeah, I’ll take it one lesson at a time, I guess.
-
-[Jonathan hugs Selina from the side and eventually leaves.]
-
-Selina: So how are you two love-birds?
-
-Jessica: Oh, this and that, discussing computers endlessly as usual.
-
-Selina: [Sarcastically] Geeks!
-
-Jessica: Heh, like you’re not a geek too.
-
-Selina: I is!
-
-Jessica: And we is too.
-
-Selina: True.
-
-Selina: This reminds me. I really should update my Mandriva system at home.
-I have not in several days, now. And to think I originally had my friend
-Aaron install Mandrake Linux for me, because I thought it was cool that
-it was called the same as my last name.
-
-Jessica: Heh, maybe you should become Selina Mandriva now.
-
-Jonathan: Or Selina Mageia.
-
-[Selina bursts out laughing.]
-
-Selina: That sounds like a name of a vampire slayer… or a vampire.
-
-Jonathan: Or both.
-
-Selina: Yeah. I told you about how I was nicknamed “Puffy” and then “Buffy”
-during one summer camp, right?
-
-Jessica: Yes, many times.
-
-Selina: Yeah, I found it amusing at the time. For a while afterwards, I
-insisted that my friends call me “Buffy” until I realised it was silly, and
-reverted back to “Selina”.
-
-Jessica: Anyway, I’m off to gym.
-
-Selina: Bye, love you.
-
-[Selina is reading a book and says to herself out loud]
-
-Selina: Selina “Buffy” Mandrake. <b>The</b> Slayer. I like the sound of it.
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="at-home-1" title="Selina at Home">
-
-[Selina enters her house, she goes to her room and drops her backpack.
-Afterwards, she goes to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator’s door, and pours
-a glass of juice. She drinks some of it.]
-
-Selina: What a day!
-
-[After a few more arrangements, she goes to a desktop computer, turns on the
-screen, moves the mouse. It’s a screen of Linux with Pidgin running. Selina
-scrolls the Pidgin contact list a little, finds someone called
-“Mosheh Ben-Amram” and double clicks his icon. A window pops up.]
-
-Selina: [On pidgin] Hi Mosheh!
-
-Mosheh: Good day, Selina.
-
-Selina: Yes, it was pretty good. How was your day?
-
-Mosheh: It was fine. Business is as usual.
-
-Selina: That’s good.
-
-Mosheh: Yours?
-
-Selina: Well, the highlight is that my friend and mine decided that I should
-probably change my name to Selina Mandriva or even Selina Mageia, and become
-a mighty vampire slayer.
-
-Mosheh: Hmmm… interesting.
-
-Selina: Yes, “Selina ‘Buffy’ Mageia, *The* Slayer”. Don’t you like the sound
-of it?
-
-Mosheh: Heh, maybe.
-
-Selina: BTW, when are you going to finally come here to California?
-
-Mosheh: In time. I like it here, in the meanwhile.
-
-Selina: OK. Listen, I need to go and eat supper, so we’ll talk later.
-
-Mosheh: Bye!
-
-[Selina turns off the computer screen.]
-
-Selina’s internal dialogue: OK, let’s see what there is to eat.
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="meet-the-guide" title="Meet the Guide">
-
-[Selina is back at school, and is walking on a corridor, smiling. She opens a
-door and the corridor is empty except for “The Guide”, an attractive Goth-style
-man who looks in his mid-twenties and is standing there watching her with a
-grave facial expression.]
-
-[Selina looks at him, smiles and walks towards him. As she passes him he says
-in a dramatic voice:]
-
-The Guide: MAGEIA!
-
-[Selina turns around hesitantly.]
-
-Selina: What?!
-
-The Guide: BUFFY MAGEIA! THAT IS YOUR DESTINY. AND I SHALL BE YOUR GUIDE.
-
-Selina: I don’t know how you heard of what happened the other day, but it’s
-just a joke. My name is Selina Mandrake.
-
-The Guide: YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY BUFFY MAGEIA. AND BEING <b>THE</b> SLAYER
-IS YOUR DESTINY.
-
-Selina: OK, I think you take Buffy way too seriously. I am not really a Vampire
-Slayer, and vampires and the other demons that you could see there don’t really
-exist.
-
-The Guide: [Giggles] THE PORTRAYAL OF BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER IN THE
-TELEVISION SHOW WAS VERY EXAGGERATED. THE REAL BUFFY IN QUESTION IS AN
-INCOMPETENT SLAYER. EVEN I AM BETTER THAN HER.
-
-+++: YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, POSSESS FAR GREATER POWERS AND ARE
-<b>THE SLAYER</b>. [his eyes are lightened with fire.]
-
-[Selina is startled. ]
-
-Selina: OK, how did you do that fire in your eyes thing.
-
-The Guide: MAGIC. MAGIC PERMEATES THE UNIVERSE.
-
-Selina: This must be some kind of trick. [She starts walking in the corridor
-. The Guide is following her.]
-
-Selina: Please don’t follow me. [She opens a door to another corridor]
-
-[In the corridor there’s a scared and screaming high school girl to the left,
-and a blood thirsty vampire with his fangs out to the right. The blood thirsty vampire approaches the girl.]
-
-Selina: [She screams] Oh my God!
-
-[The Guide quickly moves her away, and quickly throws a small wooden stake
-at the vampire’s heart. The vampire shrieks and evaporates into dust. The
-girl looks at him and faints.]
-
-[Selina is startled and looks around while holding her fingers to her mouth.
-The Guide moves towards the fainted girl, he makes a gesture around her eyes
-with his hand, grabs her hand and guides her through getting off the floor.
-The Girl wakes up.]
-
-Karen: [Looks at Selina] Oh hi! I remember you from History class…
-
-Selina: [Uncomfortably] Yes, I’m there.
-
-Karen: We’re also in the same French class, I think.
-
-Selina: [Swallowing her speech] Oui…
-
-Karen: Well, I’d better be going. [She looks at your guide] Wow! Your Goth
-friend is really cute. Bye, see you.
-
-Selina: Bye!
-
-[Karen leaves.]
-
-Selina: Oh my God, oh my God. Magic.
-
-+++: OK, this cannot be happening. I must be dreaming that. [She pinches
-various parts of her body. The Guide hits her strongly on her arm.]
-
-Selina: Ouch! OK, I’m not sleeping. Maybe I’m crazy. This seems like
-Schizophrenia. Maybe I’ve been unhappy lately, and too much stress or maybe
-it’s genetic…
-
-The Guide: YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, MAGEIA!
-
-Selina: OK, OK. Tell you what? I’ll play along… but even if I am <b>The</b>
-Slayer, I won’t be a good one. I’m not into martial arts, and I’m really clumsy.
-As much as I like playing Basketball (and I do), I royally suck at it…
-
-The Guide: BUFFY, YOU WON’T NEED MY MEDIOCRE SLAYING SKILLS. YOU POSSESS FAR
-GREATER POWERS. THE DEMONS WHO ARE YOUR ENEMIES SHALL BE SLAIN BY YOU ONE BY
-ONE, CULMINATING IN NONE OTHER THAN <b>THE MASTER</b>, THE VAMPIRE WITH THE
-OLDEST SOUL.
-
-Selina: Wasn’t he slain at the end of the first season.
-
-[The Guide looks at her unamused.]
-
-Selina: OK, got it - it wasn’t real.
-
-+++: OK now. I’ll guess I’ll just try to be mentally prepared for slaying
-such demons as the one we just saw and that you slew.
-
-The Guide: NO. FAR MORE POWERFUL DEMONS THAN THAT INCOMPETENT ONE.
-
-Selina: OK, that’s really comforting.
-
-+++: Well, I guess I’ll go and make the most out of the rest of this recess.
-Maybe I’ll go take a walk or just surf the Internet aimlessly.
-
-The Guide: SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCELLENT WAY TO GET PREPARED FOR YOUR DESTINY, MAGEIA.
-
-Selina: Well, slayer or not - I’m still just Selina Mandrake. Well, see you Mr.
-Guide.
-
-The Guide: MAY THE LIGHT SIDE OF THE MAGICAL FORCES OF NATURE GUIDE YOU.
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="selina-s-date-at-night" title="Selina’s Date at Night">
-
-[Selina and a boy she’s on a date with (Matthew) are sitting on a bench
-in a park, and are finishing eating a pizza tray. Selina looks around
-thoughtfully. ]
-
-Matthew: Selina, do you want the last slice?
-
-[Pause for a moment]
-
-Selina: What? [She turns to face Matthew.]
-
-Matthew: The last slice, would you like to eat it?
-
-Selina: Ah, no, that’s OK - I’m full.
-
-Matthew: OK, I’ll eat it later.
-
-+++: You seem distracted.
-
-Selina: Yeah, I have a lot on my mind.
-
-Matthew: Anything you’d like to share?
-
-Selina: Nah, it’s not something I can actually share. [She looks around and
-turns back to face Matthew] I probably was an awful date tonight - so
-self-centred, so non-talkative. You probably think I’m always like that.
-And Matthew, frankly, you were really great tonight.
-
-Matthew: I don’t think you have been a bad date, Selina. [Selina smiles. Matthew
-moves the pizza box to his other side, and gets closer to Selina.]
-
-Selina: OK, let’s improve this date even more.
-
-[She closes her eyes and Matthew reaches to kiss her. Selina kisses him back.
-The Camera moves upwards.]
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="john-and-alan" title="John and Alan">
-
-[Selina is sitting at a library doing her maths’ homework with many pencils
-scattered around the table, pages with equations, etc. .]
-
-Alan: [From the distance] Hey, where can we find Miss Selina Mandrake here?
-
-Librarian: [From the distance] She’s right there.
-
-Alan: Thank you, madame.
-
-[Alan and John approach. They are two young British men, dressed in
-cheap, commercial clothing.]
-
-Alan: Hello, Miss Mandrake. I’m Alan. [she shakes his hand.]
-
-John: John. [shakes his hand.]
-
-Alan: We’re mighty vampires.
-
-Selina: [Amusingly] Selina Mandrake, mighty pirate.
-
-John: Wow! You’ve played the Monkey Islands too? That’s so cool.
-
-Selina: Yes, I have. How may I be of service?
-
-Alan: Well, according to the Codex, we’re supposed to be slain by you.
-
-Selina: Well, Codex or not, I have no intention of directly slaying vampires,
-because even if they are blood sucking parasites, I’m not too big into
-initiatory force and all.
-
-John: Hey, we are completely non-violent vampires. We don’t suck blood.
-
-Selina: I thought all vampires suck blood.
-
-John: Bullocks, hen. Vampires come in all shapes and sizes.
-
-Selina: Lovely, so I guess I’m not going to slay you.
-
-John: Sounds good.
-
-Selina: Anyway, I see you come from the old mother land.
-
-John: Yes, we are British blokes, all right. Lots of vampires are Brits.
-I’m from Yorkshire and Alan here…
-
-Alan: Yo!
-
-John: Alan is from London.
-
-Selina: Great. It’s too bad so many Americans are oblivious to all the great
-British culture. America is too culturally inbred.
-
-Alan: Totally! Like many of the people we talked to have not watched <b>all</b>
-of the Monty Python skits.
-
-[Selina smiles.]
-
-John: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
-
-Alan: I know: suicide squad!
-
-[Selina is startled. Alan and John take two pencils and say, they put the
-pencils to their heart and say.]
-
-Alan: All dead! [gives John a high five.]
-
-Selina: Wait! These pencils are made out of wood.
-
-John and Alan: OH NO! WE HAVE BEEN SLAIN BY BUFFY MAGEIA, THE SLAYER.
-
-[They cry and evaporate into dust.]
-
-Selina: Oh, crap! [She touches the chairs where they sat with her finger.]
-
-+++: Dust!
-
-[She gets up. and moves out of the frame.]
-
-Selina’s Voice: Mrs. Chu, do you know where I can find a small broom?
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="the-guide-about-john-and-alan" title="The Guide about John Alan">
-
-[ Selina is walking down the hallway from the library frustrated. The
-Guide approaches her. ]
-
-The Guide: MAGEIA! CONGRATULATIONS, THE VERY POWERFUL VAMPIRES JOHN AND ALAN
-HAVE SUCCESSFULLY BEEN SLAIN BY YOU.
-
-Selina: what? They? Very powerful? I cannot believe it.
-
-The Guide: LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING. JOHN AND ALAN WERE NOTORIOUSLY DEADLY AND
-DANGEROUS.
-
-Selina: if you say so.
-
-The Guide: BUT THE WORST IS AHEAD OF YOU!!
-
-Selina: yes, I figured it out, thanks.
-
-+++: Mr. Guide, I hope I'm not going to let you down, in vanquishing the
-rest of the vampires.
-
-The Guide: AND OTHER DEMONS.
-
-Selina: yes, quite a weird lot this supernatural underworld seems to be.
-
-The Guide: REALITY IS WEIRD, MAGEIA. FAREWALL FOR NOW.
-
-[They walk away in different directions.]
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="selina-and-the-three" title="Selina and The Three">
-
-[There are three young men dressed as Klingons who fight with
-<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bat%27leth">Bat’leth</a> in the park.
-Selina is passing by and shakes her head in contempt. The Three notice Selina,
-and quickly run to her.]
-
-Warrior #1: hail The Slayer, we are but your humble slaves!
-
-Selina: [shocked] and who might you be?
-
-Warrior #1: we are The Three - three vampire brother warriors, who have been
-fighting since the dawn of time.
-
-Selina: and you are Klingons…
-
-Warrior #2: we can assume any form.
-
-Warrior #1: yes, we can fight using any weapon, and we are masters of them
-all.
-
-Selina: so you can fight with something that's not a Bat’lath?
-
-Warrior #1: of course, for example, we could fight using the Huge Sword!
-
-Warrior #2 and Warrior #3: yeah, the Huge Sword!
-
-The Three: [in unison] Huge Sword!
-
-[Warrior #1 snaps his fingers, and some of these ridiculous swords from
-<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_of_Warcraft">World of Warcraft</a>
-appear on the ground.]
-
-Selina: wow, can you fight using them?
-
-The Three: [non-dramatically] eh, eh, we cannot lift them.
-
-Selina: guess not. [puts her palm on her mouth.] Maybe try something smaller
-and less heavier.
-
-Warrior #2: yes, smaller.
-
-Warrior #3: and not as heavy.
-
-Warrior #1: you're not thinking about the smallest… yet deadliest weapon
-for a mighty vampire warrior… the wooden toothpick!
-
-[The three cry “yeah”. Warrior #1 snaps his fingers and the huge swords are
-replaced by small wooden toothpicks.]
-
-Selina: toothpicks? Have you blokes been watching too much Sesame Street?
-
-Warrior #1: why, of course, every mighty Klingon warrior has watched Sesame
-Street.
-
-Selina: Mighty Klingon vampire warriors who have watched Sesame Street…
-this decade royally sucks!
-
-Selina: fine, I don't care that you're going to slay yourself using
-toothpicks, despite claiming to be the greatest fighters in history -
-you brought it on yourself. Just do it here on the trail where no one
-will care about the dust from your bodies.
-
-[She guides the three to the trail, where they make some battle cries and
-then hurl the toothpicks with great velocity at each other’s hearts]
-
-Warrior #1: what a day to fight using toothpicks!
-
-[They look at each other]
-
-The Three: [in unison] oh, oh.
-
-+++: we have been slain by Buffy Mageia, the Slayer. [There is a bright
-greenish-yellowish triangle extending from their bodies and extends outwards,
-and then they perish and evaporate into dust.]
-
-[Selina watches this and is frightened.]
-
-Selina: whoa! Oh well, served them right.
-
-[She walks away.]
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="selinas-18s-birthday-party" title="Selina’s 18th Birthday Party">
-
-[Selina is standing near a cake with 18 lit candles, and the number 18 on
-it, surrounded by many of her friends.]
-
-The crowd: Happy birthday, Selina!
-
-[ Selina blows the candles in a few tries. ]
-
-The crowd: Many returns of the day. [Selina is smiling, says “Thank you”
-and walks away.]
-
-[Matthew approaches Selina]
-
-Matthew: Birthday kiss? [Selina smiles and they kiss.]
-
-Selina: Well, I'm gonna go to the kitchen for a while — feel free to cut
-the cake.
-
-[Selina walks away.]
-
-<s id="selina-meets-mephiqoleth" title="Selina Meets Mephiqoleth">
-
-[Selina goes to the kitchen smiling, opens the refrigerator's door and takes
-out some refreshments and arranges them on the table and then she opens
-a cupboard's door only to discover a small human like demon inside.]
-
-Selina: Why, hello there! I guess you did not RSVP.
-
-Mephiqoleth: MAGEIA!
-
-Selina: Judging by the recent happenings, I guess that's me.
-
-+++: So what should I write on your name tag?
-
-Mephiqoleth: MY NAME IS MEPHIQOLETH.
-
-Selina: Oh. Is it Emm, Ee, Pee…
-
-Mephiqoleth: it is written in Leshon Haqodesh.
-
-Selina: “Leshon Haqodesh”? The holy tongue? You mean:
-
-Mephiqoleth: YES!!!… HEBREW! [Non-dramatically] I am Jewish.
-
-Selina: Jewish? But you're not human.
-
-Mephiqoleth: THERE ARE JEWS OF MANY SPECIES.
-
-Selina: Really? That's great - can I have a Jewish lady cat? I want one
-so she can mother cute little Jewish kittens.
-
-[Cut to Mephiqoleth - he is not amused.]
-
-Selina: You are not amused, demons are never amused. I should have learned
-that by now.
-
-+++: Anyway, what is it you want from me?
-
-Mephiqoleth: MAGEIA, YOU ARE NOW EIGHT AND TEN YEARS OLD - YOU ARE NOW A
-WOMAN.
-
-Selina: So I've suddenly become a woman at 18? I'm only one day older than
-yesterday, and I had my period for many years now, and…
-
-Mephiqoleth: YOU MUST TEST ME! I POSSESS POWERFUL MYSTICAL POWERS, AND YOU
-MUST SEE IF THEY ARE POWERFUL ENOUGH FOR YOU.
-
-Selina: They are. I believe you.
-
-Mephiqoleth: NOT SO QUICKLY. MY GREATEST MYSTICAL POWER, WHICH FEW OTHER DEMONS
-POSSESS, IS MY TELEPORTATION ABILITY. I CAN TELEPORT YOU ANYWHERE.
-
-Selina: You can? Like where?
-
-Mephiqoleth: ANYWHERE YOU WANT!
-
-Selina: OK… well, I’m feeling adventurous, so I want the crème-de-la-crème,
-the cat’s whiskers, the face that launched a thousand ships…
-
-Mephiqoleth: YOU DO NOT MEAN… <b>THE AMBER!</b>.
-
-Selina: Yes, the Amber. The Amber being…
-
-Mephiqoleth: …THE MYSTICAL CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE AND BEYOND.
-
-Selina: Yes! Smashing!
-
-Mephiqoleth: YOU WILL LIKELY NOT SURVIVE THE AMBER.
-
-Selina: Oh, try me.
-
-Mephiqoleth: Very well.
-
-Selina: Just one thing, can you please wait with teleporting me to
-<b>the Amber</b> until Spring break, so I can get ready and safely
-return back home.
-
-Mephiqoleth: OF COURSE, I AM TIMELESS. FAREWALL, MAGEIA, I SHALL MEET YOU
-AGAIN DURING THIS SO-CALLED ”SPRING BREAK“ WHEN YOU ARE MORE PREPARED. UNTIL
-THEN, MAY YOU BE WELL.
-
-[Mephiqoleth fades away into thin air leaving Selina amused.]
-
-Selina: Well, I suppose a one way trip to the Amber is also a fine Birthday
-present. [She smiles]
-
-Jessica’s voice from the main hall: Selina, is everything OK, why aren't you
-coming back? Don't you want some cake.
-
-Selina: Yes, sorry, I'm coming, I'm coming. [She takes the trays and leaves
-the frame]
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="what-are-you-going-to-do-in-spring-break" title="So what are you going to do in spring break?">
-
-[Selina, Jessica and Jonathan are standing near their lockers arranging stuff.]
-
-Jessica: spring break at last!
-
-Jonathan: yeah, thank God.
-
-Selina: yes, I could use some rest too.
-
-Jessica: so, Selina, what are your plans for the vacation?
-
-Selina: oh, I'm going on a trip.
-
-Jonathan: really? A trip.
-
-Selina: yep, a trip.
-
-Jonathan: where?
-
-Selina: oh, it shall be a surprise. [The bell rings] Home time, bye!!! [She
-walks away.]
-
-[Jessica and Jonathan look at each other]
-
-Jonathan: what an exit!
-
-Jessica: yes… [she sighs].
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="mephiqoleth-does-his-magic" title="Mephiqoleth does his magic">
-
-[Selina is wearing a backpack full of various trip utilities and wears a pouch
-bag, and approaches the cupboard of Mephiqoleth. She opens it. Mephiqoleth is
-there.]
-
-Mephiqoleth: I SEE YOU ARE READY, MAGEIA.
-
-Selina: yep! Got my traveller's checks, some dollars, my mobile, my passport,
-some water, some snacks. Not sure if they will help with surviving The Amber,
-but I can always hope.
-
-Mephiqoleth: I COULD HAVE USED MY CONJURING SPELLS TO CONJURE IT FOR YOU.
-
-Selina: well, as someone who saw enough of your demons' lot's shenanigans,
-<b>and</b> some episodes of Sabrina, there's no way I will trust such magically
-conjured goods.
-
-Mephiqoleth: YOU MAY BE RIGHT. MAGIC CAN BE A DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD.
-
-+++: BUT BACK TO BUSINESS. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO TELEPORT YOU TO THE
-AMBER.
-
-Selina: positive. Do your worst!
-
-Mephiqoleth: fair enough.
-
-[Mephiqoleth raises his hands and says in Hebrew, as the Hebrew letters (in
-the modern Hebrew alphabet) appear on the highlighted floor, with a darkened
-room and the Hebrew letters of the spoken message expand outward.]
-
-Mephiqoleth: אלוהי אברהם, יצחק ויעקב, שגר את באפי מאגיה, הקוטלת, אל… [The god of Abraham, Yitzhak and Yaakov, please teleport Buffy Mageia, The Slayer, to…]
-
-Selina: whoa.
-
-Mephiqoleth: … האמבר. [The Amber]
-
-[Selina dissolves.]
-
-</s>
-
-
-<s id="selina-in-the-amber" title="Selina in the Amber">
-
-[ Seen through Selina's Eyes, the scenery morphs into the untidy living room
-of, in midday, in a “villa" in Ramat Aviv Gimel, Tel Aviv. The birds are
-tweeting outside and there's a feeling of tranquility. ]
-
-[Cut to Selina inside the house. She looks around]
-
-Selina: that's the Amber? It's pretty nice here. Hope I'm not trespassing.
-
-[The door gets unlocked and opens. Mrs Mendelssohn enters.]
-
-Mrs. Mendelssohn: [startled] why hello there. Who might you be?
-
-Selina: oh, Selina Mandrake. At your service! Nice to meet you [she approaches her and extends her hands.]
-
-Mrs. Mendelssohn: nice to meet you: Mrs. Catherine Mendelssohn.
-
-Selina: nice to meet you. Just a question: [she looks around] where am I?
-
-Mrs. Mendelssohn: in the Mendelssohn residence.
-
-Selina: which is in?
-
-Mrs. Mendelssohn: Tel Aviv?
-
-Selina: Tel Aviv, Israel?
-
-Mrs. Mendelssohn: indeed.
-
-Selina: oh cool! [ She wears her cap hat. ]
-
-+++: I heard Israel looks the best in the spring.
-
-Mrs. Mendelssohn: yes, it does.
-
-Selina: well, good bye. I'm going to go. Farewell.
-
-Mrs. Mendelssohn: good bye.
-
-[Selina exits]
-
-Mrs. Mendelssohn: [to herself] what a strange girl. Better have a talk with
-Yaron about inviting his friends over.
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="selinas-impressions-from-Israel" title="Selina’s impressions from Israel">
-
-[ Selina is standing in the living room holding a remote control to the
-television showing photos from her trip to Israel. ]
-
-</s>
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="selina-meets-mosheh-and-aharon" title="Selina meets Mosheh and Aharon">
-
-<s id="the-essence-of-being-a-dispeller" title="The Essence of Being a Dispeller">
-
-[ Selina is walking in a nice park. ]
-
-[ Selina's internal dialogue: Matthew and I got accepted into different
-universities, so we parted ways. Jessica, Jonathan and I are still chatting
-over the Internet and stuff. Meanwhile, I started studying Near East
-Archaeology in a different university in California, and now have to learn
-Sumerian, Akkadian, Phoenician, and Aramaic, at least for now.
-
-Cuneiform is driving me mad, so I'm looking for a pastoral place to study it.
-This park is really lovely.
-]
-
-[Mosheh and Aharon, who resemble Moses and Aaron from the Bible approach
-Selina from a different pathway. They are wearing backpacks.]
-
-Mosheh: oh, there she is. [they approach her].
-
-Mosheh: hi, Miss Mandrake? Nice to meet you. I am Mosheh Ben-Amram - this is
-my brother, Aharon. [they extend their hands.]
-
-[Selina looks angry. Cut to a long shot of the trees.]
-
-Selina’s Voice: [in a loud and angry tone] you bloody fucks!!!
-
-[Cut to Selina standing next to Mosheh and Aharon.]
-
-Selina: I can't believe you people… you… vampires.
-
-+++: I want to kill you, I so am, but it will probably be futile, because if
-you survived since now, there’s no way I can hurt you at all.
-
-Mosheh: well, not physically, but you certainly can mentally.
-
-Selina: Mr. Mosheh - this is not the time to make such silly jokes.
-
-+++: tell me one thing: why me? <b>wha - hy</b> me? Why was I chosen to be
-<b>The Slayer</b> and then, the… the…
-
-Aharon: the dispeller!
-
-Selina: exactly. Was it destiny? [starts crying] Was it fate? Did I want to?
-
-[ Mosheh and Ahraon drag Selina to a bench, where she sits down and wheeps. ]
-
-Selina: and what kind of slayer cries like a baby?
-
-Mosheh: here - have a handkerchief.
-
-Selina: thank you. [Weeps into the handerkerchief.]
-
-Mosheh: and don't worry, Selina, some of our most admired and toughest male
-warrior vampires, had cried in less aggravating conditions than yours. We
-are all human.
-
-Selina: [cries some more] OK, I'm the Dispeller, now what do we do?
-
-Mosheh: whatever you want.
-
-Selina: should I dispel stuff?
-
-Mosheh: you already did, but it was done by vampires, both human and non-human,
-since the beginning of the universe.
-
-Selina: then why do they need me?
-
-Mosheh: well, how should I start. I gather you've watched Star Trek: Deep Space
-Nine?
-
-Selina: I did, great show. Hold it, hold it! Not their prophets and the Vadeks
-and Kai Win, and…
-
-Mosheh: yep, they are all real to an extent (minus some Hollywood deviations,
-and exaggerations).
-
-Selina: oh God… who is probably Don Knuth, right. I know the “Knuth is not God”
-meme.
-
-Mosheh: well, according to the prophets he is “The God” and “The Neo-Tech God”.
-
-Selina: why Neo-Tech?
-
-Mosheh: because we are part of “The Neo-Tech conspiracy for establishing the
-Semitic culture”.
-
-Selina: wasn't it established thousands of years ago?
-
-Aharon: well, like the prophets would say “Before? After?”.
-
-Selina: got it.
-
-Selina: OK, so people dispelled in the past, and they needed me as some kind
-of role model to look up to, in order to dispel. How lame!
-
-+++: But what were these slaying tests, with The Guide, and these weird demons,
-and… God, they made me feel so helpless, and mad, and sad, and… all for becoming
-a silly Bajorean God?
-
-+++: [she stands up] Couldn't you have given me a written examination?
-
-Mosheh: that would not be adequate for us. See, as vampires, we constantly have
-to deal with a lot of emotions and frustrations in our personal and
-professional lives. Dispelling is not always easy, and you are going to
-encounter many obstacles along the way from envious people, who are threatened
-by what you say, or stubborn people, or sycophants, or even people who care
-about what you say or have important ammendements.
-
-+++: dispelling is not just fun and games, you know.
-
-Selina: I see. [Selina giggles.]
-
-Mosheh: I should also tell you about the Q continuum.
-
-Selina: yes, I gather it existed, only it seems that the Qs cannot be
-omnipotent, because it's a logical impossibility.
-
-Mosheh: they are not. They are regular humanoids, or other aliens, who have
-ascended to be vampires and Qs, and who possess extremely powerful (but not
-omnipotent or “supernatural”) technology.
-
-Selina: I see. Did they provide the special effects?
-
-Mosheh: you guessed it.
-
-Selina: OK, I’m still mad at you. But since I still find all this fascinating
-(I have to as an Archaeologist-wannabe and stuff), I’m going to continue
-talking to you, despite being mad.
-
-Mosheh: sure. You may wish to know that the Bajoran scholars considered
-dispelling as the next logical level after slaying.
-
-Selina: and The Slayer was Buffy from the show?
-
-Mosheh: no. The fictional Buffy Anne Summers was a mighty slayer, but she
-was just The Vampire Slayer. The Slayer and the concept of slaying predates
-her.
-
-Selina: I see. So whom do I have the dubious honour to succeed?
-
-Mosheh: this is a complicated story, but let me ask you: have you read The
-Three Muskeeters?
-
-Selina: by Dumas? Of course! … What?! Milady de-Winter?! She?!
-
-Mosheh: the more accurate story is a bit more complicated, but maybe you’d
-like to hear it from a more authoritative source.
-
-Selina: who?
-
-Mosheh: look behind you.
-
-[Selina turns around and notices a black-haired attractive white woman,
-looking in her twenties or thirties.]
-
-Selina: [sheepishly] hi, who might you be?
-
-Stranger Woman: [excited] oh Selina, I feel like I've known you all my life.
-[she runs to hug Selina. Selina anxiously lets her hug her.]
-
-Selina: OK, OK, but who are you Ms.…
-
-Stranger Woman: oh sorry, [lets herself go of Selina] I am Kate.
-
-Selina: nice to meet you, Ms. Kate.
-
-Kate: well, I've been known by various last names in previous lives, but Kate
-always stayed the same.
-
-Selina: previous lives? Oh, I suppose you remained young…
-
-Mosheh: …or became younger.
-
-Selina: yes, yes, OK, which life are we talking about?
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="kate-tells-her-story" title="Kate tells her story">
-
-Kate: my first. Well, I was actually born Kate Hampshire, a young Anglican
-baby born to English parents on French soil. I grew up among French children,
-who welcomed me as their own, but when my parents and I returned back to
-England when I was 5 years old, I was ridiculed for my French, and so
-wanted to hear nothing of it, until I was older and had to relearn French much
-more painfully.
-
-Selina: but you still had a trace of a French accent…
-
-Kate: precisely.
-
-+++: anyway, as opposed to Dumas’ description, I was a brunette, for
-which some no-goodnicks from my whereabouts, ridiculed me of being of
-Jewish heritage, but eventually, I knew not to care. There were plenty of
-other brunette girls among my friends, anyway.
-
-+++: so, my father wanted me to learn the proper Christian law and ethics, so
-he taught me how to read English, and told me to read the Bible. I grew to love
-it, and considered the various characters there as my friends.
-
-+++: Moreover, I organised various shows by children at the local parish
-of the Bible, often with a lot of humour thrown in, in order to captivate the
-crowd. Our minister believed that this was blasphemous, so he summoned the
-local Bishop to see, who not only enjoyed our shows, but told the priest
-that we were making the Bible something living and dynamic, and so it was
-to be encouraged.
-
-+++: As a result, I quickly became notorious for my shows, which also
-captured the attention of the local nobility, the Lords of Canterson. The
-older brother, who liked me so much, became infatuated with me, courted me, and
-eventually we got married.
-
-+++: we led a happy marriage, but it was terminated shortly by the
-Lord, my husband, becoming sick, and then dying. It wasn't my fault, but I was
-devastated from it, and after recovering, told the Lord’s younger brother,
-the now honourable Lord James Canterson, that I was going to relocate to Paris,
-France, for a change of scenery. He agreed.
-
-+++: As a result, I, as Milady Canterson arrived at Paris to try my luck in
-finding a new life. I was able to make a small profit teaching English and the
-English bible to many students who were eager to learn, but my social life
-took a turn, to the worse, at first. You see, I kept telling the various people
-at parties and other social events of my previous life as an entertainer and
-also reciting some of my takes on Biblical things with improvisations. Many men
-and women found it amusing and liked me, but a minority of the women started
-spreading rumours that I killed my husband, and was actually glad he died,
-and they were trying to put me down.
-
-+++: At one point, I could not take it anymore, and I went to a corner couch,
-sat down, and started crying. I was joined by d’Artagnan, a young (about my
-age), and promising guard at the des Essarts' company of guards, who was a big
-fan of me and my stories about what happened in the bible, and he asked me,
-
-[Showing the couch]
-
-d’Artagnan: Milady, que se passe-t-il? [ = “Milady, what's the matter?” ]
-
-Milady Kate: Rien [ = “nothing”. She is crying.].
-
-d’Artagnan: Il y a évidemment quelque chose qui ne va pas. Pourquoi
-pleurez-vous? [ = “something is obviously the matter. Why are you crying?”]
-
-Milady Kate: D’accord. Comme je ne porte plus le deuil et que je
-semble heureuse, les autres femmes croient que j'ai tué mon mari.
-[ = “OK. The other women think I killed my husband because I'm now
-no longer grieving and seems happy.”]
-
-d'Artagnan: Sottises! On peut à la fois être triste et heureux pour
-des raisons différentes. [ = “nonsense. You can be sad and happy at the same
-time, for two different things.” ]
-
-Milady Kate: Oui, oui. [ = “yes. yes.”]
-
-d'Artagnan: Laissez-moi vous dire ceci [takes her hands].  Je
-comprends que vous soyez troublée, mais sachez que ces personnes ne
-vous veulent que du tort et vous ne devriez pas laisser les paroles
-grossières ou méprisantes vous affecter. Vous valez mieux que ça.
-[= “let me tell you this . It’s OK to receive insults,
-it's OK to be offended, but you need to know that ultimately the other person
-is just does not mean well, and that you should not get them
-to hurt you. You're better than that.”]
-
-Milady Kate: M. d’Artagnan, vous êtes très sage pour votre âge.
-[= “M. d’Artagnan, you are quite wise for your age.”]
-
-d’Artagnan: Merci, Milady. Je tâcherai que ça ne me monte pas à la
-tête. [= “thank you, Milady. I will not let it go to my head.”]
-
-[They both smile.]
-
-Kate’s voice: d’Artagnan and I became good friends: I taught him English
-and the Bible, and he told me of some of the things he learned as a
-noble, and what happened at the Guards. We ended up falling in love and having
-an affair, and while we did not go public about it, we did not really hide
-it and pretty soon everyone knew, and many single people and couples were
-jealous or envious of us. But we didn’t care.
-
-+++: another thing I should tell you about is the Queen. She was a beautiful
-woman, but needy and jealous and wanted the King, Louis XIII, to love her,
-without her doing anything to deserve it. The King and his prime minister,
-Cardinal Richelieu, despised her for her incompetence, which made her feel
-even more deprived of love that she supposedly deserved. I sometimes had to
-provide support for some of her maids, who were offended by her abuse, and
-ended up giving them d’Artagnan’s advice, which I noticed had made
-them quickly lose their job, and then meeting me and telling me how relieved
-they were.
-
-+++: anyway, I was expecting D’Artagnan to propose soon after all that, when
-it was announced that the conquest of La Rochelle was about to take place,
-and that d’Artagnan will relocate there. I was somewhat worried for his
-future, and thought we would have to part soon.
-
-+++: However, nothing prepared me for the time when my maid woke me up in the
-middle of the night and informed me that there were two of the King’s
-Musketeers at the door. I wondered why. The Musketeers told me the king asked
-to see me, so I wore a plain dress, and the Musketeers took me in a carriage
-to the palace. They escorted me to a room where I saw the King sitting at an
-armchair, as well as D’Artagnan and his friend and mentor Athos standing at
-a corner.
-
-[Showing the scene at the Palace.]
-
-Louis XIII: [in English with a French accent] hello, Milady. You know M.
-d’Artagnan and M. Athos.
-
-Milady Kate: [a little worried] I do, nice to meet you again.
-
-Louis XIII: please meet his eminence.
-
-[Cardinal Richelieu turns to face them.]
-
-Milady Kate: his eminence! Oh no, oh no… if it’s about my relationship with
-M. d’Artagnan, then - it was all my fault - I can return to England, and…
-
-Cardinal Richelieu: Milady Canterson, we have known about your affair with
-M. d’Artagnan for a long time, and do not disapprove of it, but that is not why
-you are here. In fact, we brought you here, in order to slay Lord Buckingham,
-so he won’t interfere with our planned attack of La Rochelle.
-
-Milady Kate: kill him?
-
-Cardinal Richelieu: I said “slay” - not “kill”. There is a difference as you
-shall see.
-
-+++: we have failed at convincing Lord Buckingham that he should refrain from
-attacking us, which will cause many innocent lives to be lost and so we
-have to resort to take him out of the equation.
-
-Louis XIII: here’s the deal: you will carry these three letters signed by his
-eminence, by the King of England and by me, that will instruct whoever reads
-them to do everything within reason to assist you in your mission. M. Athos
-and M. d’Artagnan will escort you, and they will protect you with their lives
-if necessary.
-
-Louis XIII: The plan is: go to your house and take the belongings you
-care about; take a fast carriage to Calais and cross the channel; once in
-England, find some people you know to help you find a body similar to Lord
-Buckingham, find someone who will take the blame for it (your King will make
-sure nothing bad happens to him), slay Lord Buckingham, and take a carriage
-with him to Plymouth where you will board a ship to America, and both start
-a new life. Is that clear?
-
-Milady Kate: yes, your majesty. [She bows.]
-
-[Milady Kate, Athos and d’Artagnan leave.]
-
-Kate’s voice: so we did it all, despite some minor setbacks, in
-part due to me bitching about the whole situation. We contacted Lord
-Canterson, who volunteered one of his trusted soldiers for the job.
-And travelled to Portsmouth where Lord Buckingham was about to leave.
-
-[Showing the cabin of Lord Buckingham. He is standing there. Adam enters with
-a gun and points it at Lord Buckingham.]
-
-Adam: Hello, melord! I can kill you now, but I won't.
-
-Lord Buckingham: I believe you. What is it that you want.
-
-[Milady Kate enters, followed by Athos, d’Artagnan and Lord Canterson who
-are dragging a body.]
-
-Milady Kate: greetings melord - we shall travel together to Plymouth, in order
-to catch a ship to the New World, where we will be a couple at least until
-our arrival. Consider yourself slain and reborn.
-
-[Turns to face d’Artagnan]
-
-Milady Kate: I guess we part now.
-
-d’Artagnan: yes.
-
-Milady Kate: I loved you.
-
-d’Artagnan: I loved you too.
-
-[They hug.]
-
-Milady Kate: [to Lord Buckingam] shall we? [She puts her hand in his.]
-
-Kate’s voice: we boarded the ship and started a new life at what became the
-United States of America. I kept touch with Mr. George Smith, as he was now
-called for a while until he no longer needed me. I was also eventually
-became indoctrinated as a vampire, for whom the fact that I once slayed the
-1st Duke of Buckingham was merely an anecdote.
-
-+++: but this changed shortly after the publication of
-<i>The Three Musketeers</i> in the 1840s. Having dismissed Alexandre Dumas
-as a second-rate writer of popular books, I was surprised that many people
-approached me in my new life as Mrs. Kate Black requesting that I shall slay
-them. Eventually I found out about the novel, sent a letter to M. Dumas that
-I was coming to visit him, and travelled by ship to France to meet him at
-his home in Paris. This is what happened.
-
-[Cut to Alexandre Dumas’ Home]
-
-Dumas: Good morning, Madame Black, I have heard so much about you,
-but have no idea why you would like to meet me, all of a sudden.
-
-Kate: M. Dumas… I am going to kill you. Physically! For what you have done to
-me.
-
-Dumas: but, Madame, why?
-
-Kate: how shall I put it? For your information, I was
-once Lady Kate Canterson and…
-
-Dumas: [interrupts her] oh, non! C’est un impossible. You are the… real
-Milady de-Winter.
-
-+++: oh, this is a great honour. Where are my manners? Milady, do you want
-some cake, some biscuits, some tea? I have excellent wine too. Please sit down
-[Kate reluctantly sits down. Dumas is busy doing arrangements for taking care
-of his guest.]
-
-Dumas: please, tell me all about it.
-
-[Later on this evening.]
-
-Kate: [drunk] M. Dumas, you treated me really well today, but now what do
-we do… about… about… about the people who ask me to slay them.
-
-M. Dumas: [not as drunk] Madame, just tell them that you no longer will slay.
-That you quit being a slayer, and THAT they should deal with their troubled
-life themselves.
-
-Kate: Mr. Dumas, sounds like a good idea. You are a very wise man for your
-age. [She falls asleep.]
-
-[Cut to the morning. Kate is sleeping on a bed in Alexandre Dumas’ house.
-birds are twittering outside and everything is pastoral.]
-
-Kate: [wakes up] hmm… [hangover] ow, ow, oh! [She rises up and washes her
-face.]
-
-[Cut to a different room in Dumas’ house, he is sitting there drinking tea.]
-
-Alexandre Dumas: bonjour, Madame Black. I see you slept well.
-
-Kate: I did, thank you.
-
-Alexandre Dumas: I enjoyed hearing your story last night.
-
-Kate: and I was happy to tell it. [She pours some water and drinks it.]
-Thanks for the hospitality. And for the useful piece of advice which I
-now recall.
-
-Alexandre Dumas: you are most welcome, Madame. Now please - stay for breakfast.
-
-Kate: thank you, Monsieour. I shall stay. No wine this time, though.
-
-[Dumas smiles and Kate laughs.]
-
-Alexandre Dumas: OK, would you like to hear about some ideas I have for
-a new novel?
-
-[Close-up on Kate, she is grinning mischieviously.]
-
-</s>
-
-<s id="from-slayer-to-dispeller" title="From Slayer to Dispeler">
-
-[Cut to the bench with Selina, Kate, Mosheh and Aharon.]
-
-Kate: well, I quit slaying, but still maintained the status of being
-The Slayer in the real world. While neither France nor England wanted to
-consider Milady de-Winter as their own, they both wanted to claim me.
-
-[Cut to Selina: she has tears of excitement.]
-
-Selina: beautiful story.
-
-Kate: yes, well, that was how The Slayer came to be, but now we started a
-new age where dispelling is preferred. So I pass the baton for you and finally
-have some peace.
-
-[Selina hugs Kate and bursts into tears.]
-
-Mosheh: vampirellas are cute - are they not.
-
-Aharon: and they make the best slayers - and apparently dispellers too.
-
-[After a while]
-
-Selina: I’m OK, I’m OK.
-
-</s>
-
-</s>
-
-</s>
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