[Written by: Shlomi Fish.]
[Note: This is a tribute/parody of “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” (both
the movie and the show) and of other sources of inspiration such as
the Star Trek franchise (primarily “Deep Space Nine”) as well as other sources.
[Note: style note, when the vampires and demons in the story talk in
a dramatic and phony tone it is placed in “ALL CAPS” (inspired by the talk
of Death in the Discworld series). When they talk non-dramatically and honestly,
it is placed in proper capitalisation.]
[Selena Mandrake is sitting in a classroom taking notes, the other students
are paying attention, and taking notes too. Selena is an attractive (but
not overly so) girl in her high school senior year, who has immigrated
to California from England.]
Selena’s Internal Dialogue: [In her native English accent] Wow! Why did I have
to major in history. All we learn about is minutae of obscure political
documents from modern times. Like that’s going to prepare me for being an
Archaeologist . Maybe I should have majored in maths… or physics… or something.
+++: Not to mention that U.S. Archaeology is a joke. Not that England is much
better. Maybe I could study somewhere in the middle east. Turkey… Egypt…
[The bell rings and many school kids are walking out of the classroom,
including Selena. She has an empty hour. As she walks in the hallway, she
is sometimes greeted by “Hi, Selena!”, “What’s new?”, etc. and answers
briefly. She finds Jessica and Jonathan standing next to Jessica’s locker and
Selena: Oh, there you are. Hi Jess, hi Jon.
Jessica: Selena! I see you’ve survived History class.
Selena: Yeah, I’ll take it one lesson at a time, I guess.
[Jonathan hugs Selena from the side and eventually leaves.]
Selena: So how are you two love-birds?
Jessica: Oh, this and that, discussing computers endlessly as usual.
Selena: [Sarcastically] Geeks!
Jessica: Heh, like you’re not a geek too.
Selena: I is!
Jessica: And we is too.
Selena: This reminds me. I really should update my Mandriva system at home.
I have not in several days, now. And to think I originally had my friend
Aaron install Mandrake Linux for me, because I thought it was cool that
it was called the same as my last name.
Jessica: Heh, maybe you should become Selena Mandriva now.
Jonathan: Or Selena Mageia.
[Selena bursts out laughing.]
Selena: That sounds like a name of a vampire slayer… or a vampire.
Jonathan: Or both.
Selena: Yeah. I told you about how I was nicknamed “Puffy” and then “Buffy”
during one summer camp, right?
Jessica: Yes, many times.
Selena: Yeah, I found it amusing at the time. For a while afterwards, I
insisted that my friends call me “Buffy” until I realised it was silly, and
reverted back to “Selena”.
Jessica: Anyway, I’m off to gym.
Selena: Bye, love you.
[Selena is reading a book and says to herself out loud]
Selena: Selena “Buffy” Mandrake. The Slayer. I like the sound of it.
[Selena enters her house, she goes to her room and drops her backpack.
Afterwards, she goes to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator’s door, and pours
a glass of juice. She drinks some of it.]
Selena: What a day!
[After a few more arrangements, she goes to a desktop computer, turns on the
screen, moves the mouse. It’s a screen of Linux with Pidgin running. Selena
scrolls the Pidgin contact list a little, finds someone called
“Mosheh Ben-Amram” and double clicks his icon. A window pops up.]
Selena: [On pidgin] Hi Mosheh!
Mosheh: Good day, Selena.
Selena: Yes, it was pretty good. How was your day?
Mosheh: It was fine. Business is as usual.
Selena: That’s good.
Selena: Well, the highlight is that my friend and mine decided that I should
probably change my name to Selena Mandriva or even Selena Mageia, and become
a mighty vampire slayer.
Mosheh: Hmmm… interesting.
Selena: Yes, “Selena ‘Buffy’ Mageia, *The* Slayer”. Don’t you like the sound
Mosheh: Heh, maybe.
Selena: BTW, when are you going to finally come here to California?
Mosheh: In time. I like it here, in the meanwhile.
Selena: OK. Listen, I need to go and eat supper, so we’ll talk later.
[Selena turns off the computer screen.]
Selena’s internal dialogue: OK, let’s see what there is to eat.
[Selena is back at school, and is walking on a corridor, smiling. She opens a
door and the corridor is empty except for “The Guide”, an attractive Goth-style
man who looks in his mid-twenties and is standing there watching her with a
grave facial expression.]
[Selena looks at him, smiles and walks towards him. As she passes him he says
in a dramatic voice:]
The Guide: MAGEIA!
[Selena turns around hesitantly.]
The Guide: BUFFY MAGEIA! THAT IS YOUR DESTINY. AND I SHALL BE YOUR GUIDE.
Selena: I don’t know how you heard of what happened the other day, but it’s
just a joke. My name is Selena Mandrake.
The Guide: YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY BUFFY MAGEIA. AND BEING THE SLAYER
IS YOUR DESTINY.
Selena: OK, I think you take Buffy way too seriously. I am not really a Vampire
Slayer, and vampires and the other demons that you could see there don’t really
The Guide: [Giggles] THE PORTRAYAL OF BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER IN THE
TELEVISION SHOW WAS VERY EXAGGERATED. THE REAL BUFFY IN QUESTION IS AN
INCOMPETENT SLAYER. EVEN I AM BETTER THAN HER.
+++: YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, POSSESS FAR GREATER POWERS AND ARE
THE SLAYER. [his eyes are lightened with fire.]
[Selena is startled. ]
Selena: OK, how did you do that fire in your eyes thing.
The Guide: MAGIC. MAGIC PERMEATES THE UNIVERSE.
Selena: This must be some kind of trick. [She starts walking in the corridor
. The Guide is following her.]
Selena: Please don’t follow me. [She opens a door to another corridor]
[In the corridor there’s a scared and screaming high school girl to the left,
and a blood thirsty vampire with his fangs out to the right. The blood thirsty vampire approaches the girl.]
Selena: [She screams] Oh my God!
[The Guide quickly moves her away, and quickly throws a small wooden stake
at the vampire’s heart. The vampire shrieks and evaporates into dust. The
girl looks at him and faints.]
[Selena is startled and looks around while holding her fingers to her mouth.
The Guide moves towards the fainted girl, he makes a gesture around her eyes
with his hand, grabs her hand and guides her through getting off the floor.
The Girl wakes up.]
Karen: [Looks at Selena] Oh hi! I remember you from History class…
Selena: [Uncomfortably] Yes, I’m there.
Karen: We’re also in the same French class, I think.
Selena: [Swallowing her speech] Oui…
Karen: Well, I’d better be going. [She looks at your guide] Wow! Your Goth
friend is really cute. Bye, see you.
Selena: Oh my God, oh my God. Magic.
+++: OK, this cannot be happening. I must be dreaming that. [She finches
various parts of her body. The Guide hits her strongly on her arm.]
Selena: Ouch! OK, I’m not sleeping. Maybe I’m crazy. This seems like
Schizophrenia. Maybe I’ve been unhappy lately, and too much stress or maybe
The Guide: YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, MAGEIA!
Selena: OK, OK. Tell you what? I’ll play along… but even if I am The
Slayer, I won’t be a good one. I’m not into martial arts, and I’m really clumsy.
As much as I like playing Basketball (and I do), I royally suck at it…
The Guide: BUFFY, YOU WON’T NEED MY MEDIOCRE SLAYING SKILLS. YOU POSSESS FAR
GREATER POWERS. THE DEMONS WHO ARE YOUR ENEMIES SHALL BE SLAIN BY YOU ONE BY
ONE, CULMINATING IN NONE OTHER THAN THE MASTER, THE VAMPIRE WITH THE
Selena: Wasn’t he slain at the end of the first season.
[The Guide looks at her unamused.]
Selena: OK, got it - it wasn’t real.
+++: OK now. I’ll guess I’ll just try to be mentally prepared for slaying
such demons as the one we just saw and that you slew.
The Guide: NO. FAR MORE POWERFUL DEMONS THAN THAT INCOMPETENT ONE.
Selena: OK, that’s really comforting.
+++: Well, I guess I’ll go and make the most out of the rest of this recess.
Maybe I’ll go take a walk or just surf the Internet aimlessly.
The Guide: SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCELLENT WAY TO GET PREPARED FOR YOUR DESTINY, MAGEIA.
Selena: Well, slayer or not - I’m still just Selena Mandrake. Well, see you Mr.
The Guide: MAY THE LIGHT SIDE OF THE MAGICAL FORCES OF NATURE GUIDE YOU.
[Selena and a boy she’s on a date with (Matthew) are sitting on a bench
in a park, and are finishing eating a pizza tray. Selena looks around
Matthew: Selena, do you want the last slice?
[Pause for a moment]
Selena: What? [She turns to face Matthew.]
Matthew: The last slice, would you like to eat it?
Selena: Ah, no, that’s OK - I’m full.
Matthew: OK, I’ll eat it later.
+++: You seem distracted.
Selena: Yeah, I have a lot on my mind.
Matthew: Anything you’d like to share?
Selena: Nah, it’s not something I can actually share. [She looks around and
turns back to face Matthew] I probably was an awful date tonight - so
self-centred, so non-talkative. You probably think I’m always like that.
And Matthew, frankly, you were really great tonight.
Matthew: I don’t think you have been a bad date, Selena. [Selena smiles. Matthew
moves the pizza box to his other side, and gets closer to Selena.]
Selena: OK, let’s improve this date even more.
[She closes her eyes and Matthew reaches to kiss her. Selena kisses him back.
The Camera moves upwards.]
[Selena is sitting at a library doing her maths’ homework with many pencils
scattered around the table, pages with equations, etc. .]
Alan: [From the distance] Hey, where can we find Miss Selena Mandrake here?
Librarian: [From the distance] She’s right there.
Alan: Thank you, madame.
[Alan and John approach. They are two young British men, dressed in
cheap, commercial clothing.]
Alan: Hello, Miss Mandrake. I’m Alan. [she shakes his hand.]
John: John. [shakes his hand.]
Alan: We’re mighty vampires.
Selena: [Amusingly] Selena Mandrake, mighty pirate.
John: Wow! You’ve played the Monkey Islands too? That’s so cool.
Selena: Yes, I have. How may I be of service?
Alan: Well, according to the Codex, we’re supposed to be slain by you.
Selena: Well, Codex or not, I have no intention of directly slaying vampires,
because even if they are blood sucking parasites, I’m not too big into
initiatory force and all.
John: Hey, we are completely non-violent vampires. We don’t suck blood.
Selena: I thought all vampires suck blood.
John: Bullocks, hen. Vampires come in all shapes and sizes.
Selena: Lovely, so I guess I’m not going to slay you.
John: Sounds good.
Selena: Anyway, I see you come from the old mother land.
John: Yes, we are British blokes, all right. Lots of vampires are Brits.
I’m from Yorkshire and Alan here…
John: Alan is from London.
Selena: Great. It’s too bad so many Americans are oblivious to all the great
British culture. America is too culturally inbred.
Alan: Totally! Like many of the people we talked to have not watched all
of the Monty Python skits.
John: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Alan: I know: suicide squad!
[Selena is startled. Alan and John take two pencils and say, they put the
pencils to their heart and say.]
Alan: All dead! [gives John a high five.]
Selena: Wait! These pencils are made out of wood.
John and Alan: OH NO! WE HAVE BEEN SLAIN BY BUFFY MAGEIA, THE SLAYER.
[They cry and evaporate into dust.]
Selena: Oh, crap! [She touches the chairs where they sat with her finger.]
[She gets up. and moves out of the frame.]
Selena’s Voice: Mrs. Chu, do you know where I can find a small broom?
[Selena is standing near a cake with 18 lighten candles, and the number 18 on
it, surrounded by many of her friends.]
The crowd: happy birthday, Selena!
[ Selena blows the candles in a few tries. ]
The crowd: many returns of the day. [Selena is smiling, says “Thank you”
and walks away.]
[Matthew approaches Selena]
Matthew: birthday kiss [Selena smiles and they kiss.]
Selena: well, I'm going away to the kitchen for a while — feel free to cut
[Selena walks away.]