<s id="towtf1" title="Selena Mandrake - *The* Slayer">
[<b>Written by:</b> <a href="http://www.shlomifish.org/">Shlomi Fish</a>.]
[<b>Note:</b> This is a tribute/parody of "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" (both
the movie and the show) and of other sources of inspiration such as
the Star Trek frenchise (primarily "Deep Space Nine") as well as other sources.
[<b>Note:</b> style note, when the vampires and demons in the story talk in
a dramatic and phony tone it is placed in "ALL CAPS" (inspired by the talk
of Death in the Discworld series). When they talk non-dramatically and honestly,
it is placed in proper capitalisation.]
<s id="selena-in-history-class" title="Selena in History Class">
[Selena Mandrake is sitting in a classroom taking notes, the other students
are paying attention, and taking notes too. Selena is an attractive (but
not overly so) blonde girl in her high school senior year, who has immigrated
to California from England.]
Selena's Internal Dialogue: [In her native English accent] Wow! Why did I have
to major in history. All we learn about is minutae of obscure political
documents from modern times. Like that's going to prepare me for being an
Archaelogist . Maybe I should have majored in maths… or physics… or something.
+++: Not to mention that U.S. archaelogy is a joke. Not that England is much
better. Maybe I could study somewhere in the middle east. Turkey… Egypt…
<s id="in-the-hallway" title="In the hallway">
[The bell rings and many school kids are walking out of the classroom,
including Selena. She has an empty hour. As she walks in the hallway, she
is sometimes greeted by "Hi, Selena!", "What's new?", etc. and answers
briefly. She finds Jessica and Jonathan standing next to Jessica's locker and
Selena: Oh, there you are. Hi Jess, hi Jon.
Jessica: Selena! I see you've survived History class.
Selena: Yeah, I'll take it one lesson at a time, I guess.
[Jonathan hugs Selena from the side and eventually leaves.]
Selena: So how are you two love-birds?
Jessica: Oh, this and that, discussing computers endelessly as usual.
Selena: [Sarcastically] Geeks!
Jessica: Heh, like you're not a geek too.
Selena: I is!
Jessica: And we is too.
Selena: This reminds me. I really should update my Mandriva system at home.
I have not in several days, now. And to think I originally had my friend
Aaron install Mandrake Linux for me, because I thought it was cool that
it was called the same as my last name.
Jessica: Heh, maybe you should become Selena Mandriva now.
Jonathan: Or Selena Mageia.
[Selena bursts out laughing.]
Selena: That sounds like a name of a vampire slayer… or a vampire.
Jonathan: Or both.
Selena: Yeah. I told you about how I was nicknamed "Puffy" and then "Buffy"
during one summer camp, right?
Jessica: Yes, many times.
Selena: Yeah, I found it amusing at the time. For a while afterwards, I
insisted that my friends call me "Buffy" until I realised it was silly, and
reverted back to "Selena".
Jessica: Anyway, I'm off to gym.
Selena: Bye, love you.
[Selena is reading a book and says to herself out loud]
Selena: Selena "Buffy" Mandrake. <b>The</b> Slayer. I like the sound of it.
<s id="at-home-1" title="Selena at Home">
[Selena enters her house, she goes to her room and drops her backpack.
Afterwards, she goes to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator's door, and pours
a glass of juice. She drinks some of it.]
Selena: What a day!
[After a few more arrangements, she goes to a desktop computer, turns on the
screen, moves the mouse. It's a screen of Linux with Pidgin running. Selena
scrolls the Pidgin contact list a little, finds someone called
"Mosheh Ben-Amram" and double clicks his icon. A window pops up.]
Selena: [on pidgin] Hi Mosheh!
Mosheh: Good day, Selena.
Selena: Yes, it was pretty good. How was your day?
Mosheh: It was fine. Business is as usual.
Selena: That's good.
Selena: Well, the highlight is that my friend and mine decided that I should
probably change my name to Selena Mandriva or even Selena Megeia, and become
a mighty vampire slayer.
Mosheh: Hmmm… interesting.
Selena: Yes, "Selena 'Buffy' Mageia, *The* Slayer". Don't you like the sound
Mosheh: Heh, maybe.
Selena: BTW, when are you going to finally come here to California?
Mosheh: In time. I like it here, in the meanwhile.
Selena: OK. Listen, I need to go and eat supper, so we'll talk later.
[Selena turns off the computer screen.]
Selena's internal dialogue: OK, let's see what there is to eat.
<s id="meet-the-guide" title="Meet the Guide">
[Selena is back at school, and is walking on a corridor, smiling. She opens a
door and the corridor is empty except for "The Guide", an attractive Goth-style
man who looks in his mid-twenties and is standing there watching her with a
grave facial expression.]
[Selena looks at him, smiles and walks towards him. As she passes him he says
in a dramatic voice:]
The Guide: MAGEIA!
[Selena turns around hesistantly.]
The Guide: BUFFY MAGEIA! THAT IS YOUR DESTINY. AND I SHALL BE YOUR GUIDE.
Selena: I don't know how you heard of what happened the other day, but it's
just a joke. My name is Selena Mandrake.
The Guide: YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY BUFFY MAGEIA. AND BEING <b>THE</b> SLAYER
IS YOUR DESTINY.
Selena: OK, I think you take Buffy way too seriously. I am not really a Vampire
Slayer, and vampires and the other demons that you could see there don't really
The Guide: [giggles] THE PORTRAYAL OF BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER IN THE
TELEVISION SHOW WAS VERY EXAGGERATED. THE REAL BUFFY IN QUESTION IS AN
INCOMPETENT SLAYER. EVEN I AM BETTER THAN HER.
+++: YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, POSSESS FAR GREATER POWERS AND ARE
<b>THE SLAYER</b>. [his eyes are ligthened with fire.]
[Selena is startled. ]
Selena: OK, how did you do that fire in your eyes thing.
The Guide: MAGIC. MAGIC PERMEATS THE UNIVERSE.
Selena: This must be some kind of trick. [She starts walking in the corridor
. The Guide is following her.]
Selena: Please don't follow me. [She opens a door to another corridotr]
[In the corridor there's a scared and screaming high school girl to the left,
and a blood thirsty vampire with his fangs out to the right. The blood thirsty vampire approaches the girl.]
Selena: [She screams] Oh my God!
[The Guide quickly moves her away, and quickly throws a small wooden stake
at the vampire's heart. The vampire shrieks and evaporates into dust. The
girl looks at him and faints.]
[Selena is startled and looks around while holding her fingers to her mouth.
The Guide moves towards the fainted girl, he makes a gesture around her eyes
with his hand, grabs her hand and guides her through getting off the floor.
The Girl wakes up.]
Karen: [Looks at Selena] Oh hi! I remember you from History class…
Selena: [Uncomfortably] Yes, I'm there.
Karen: We're also in the same French class, I think.
Selena: [Swallowing her speech] Oui…
Karen: Well, I'd better be going. [She looks at your guide] Wow! Your Goth
friend is really cute. Bye, see you.
Selena: Oh my God, oh my God. Magic.
+++: OK, this cannot be happening. I must be dreaming that. [She finches
various parts of her body. The Guide hits her strongly on her arm.]
Selena: Ouch! OK, I'm not sleeping. Maybe I'm crazy. This seems like
Schizophrenia. Maybe I've been unhappy lately, and too much stress or maybe
The Guide: YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, MAGEIA!
Selena: OK, OK. Tell you what? I'll play along… but even if I am <b>The</b>
Slayer, I won't be a good one. I'm not into martial arts, and I'm really clumsy.
As much as I like playing Basketball (and I do), I royally suck at it…
The Guide: BUFFY, YOU WON'T NEED MY MEDIOCRE SLAYING SKILLS. YOU POSSESS FAR
GREATER POWERS. THE DEMONS WHO ARE YOUR ENEMIES SHALL BE SLAIN BY YOU ONE BY
ONE, CULMINATING IN NONE OTHER THAN <b>THE MASTER</b>, THE VAMPIRE WITH THE
Selena: Wasn't he slain at the end of the first season.
[The Guide looks at her unamused.]
Selena: OK, got it - it wasn't real.
+++: OK now. I'll guess I'll just try to be mentally prepared for slaying
such demons as the one we just saw and that you slew.
The Guide: NO. FAR MORE POWERFUL DEMONS THAN THAT INCOMPETENT ONE.
Selena: OK, that's really comforting.
+++: Well, I guess I'll go and make the most out of the rest of this recess.
Maybe I'll go take a walk or just surf the Internet aimlessly.
The Guide: SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCELLENT WAY TO GET PREPARED FOR YOUR DESTINY, MAGEIA.
Selena: Well, slayer or not - I'm still just Selena Mandrake. Well, see you Mr.
The Guide: MAY THE LIGHT SIDE OF THE MAGICAL FORCES OF NATURE GUIDE YOU.
<s id="selena-s-date-at-night" title="Selena's Date at Night">
[Selena and a boy she's on a date with (Matthew) are sitting on a bench
in a park, and are finishing eating a pizza tray. Selena looks around
Matthew: Selena, do you want the last slice?
[Pause for a moment]
Selena: what? [She turns to face Matthew.]
Matthew: the last slice, would you like to eat it?
Selena: ah, no, that's OK - I'm full.
Matthew: OK, I'll eat it later. You seem distracted.