<s id="towtf1" title="Selena Mandrake - *The* Slayer">
[<b>Written by:</b> <a href="http://www.shlomifish.org/">Shlomi Fish</a>.]
[<b>Note:</b> This is a tribute/parody of “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer” (both
the movie and the show) and of other sources of inspiration such as
the Star Trek franchise (primarily “Deep Space Nine”) as well as other sources.
[<b>Note:</b> style note, when the vampires and demons in the story talk in
a dramatic and phony tone it is placed in “ALL CAPS” (inspired by the talk
of Death in the Discworld series). When they talk non-dramatically and honestly,
it is placed in proper capitalisation.]
<s id="selena-in-history-class" title="Selena in History Class">
[Selena Mandrake is sitting in a classroom taking notes, the other students
are paying attention, and taking notes too. Selena is an attractive (but
not overly so) girl in her high school senior year, who has immigrated
to California from England.]
Selena’s Internal Dialogue: [In her native English accent] Wow! Why did I have
to major in history. All we learn about is minutae of obscure political
documents from modern times. Like that’s going to prepare me for being an
Archaeologist . Maybe I should have majored in maths… or physics… or something.
+++: Not to mention that U.S. Archaeology is a joke. Not that England is much
better. Maybe I could study somewhere in the middle east. Turkey… Egypt…
<s id="in-the-hallway" title="In the hallway">
[The bell rings and many school kids are walking out of the classroom,
including Selena. She has an empty hour. As she walks in the hallway, she
is sometimes greeted by “Hi, Selena!”, “What’s new?”, etc. and answers
briefly. She finds Jessica and Jonathan standing next to Jessica’s locker and
Selena: Oh, there you are. Hi Jess, hi Jon.
Jessica: Selena! I see you’ve survived History class.
Selena: Yeah, I’ll take it one lesson at a time, I guess.
[Jonathan hugs Selena from the side and eventually leaves.]
Selena: So how are you two love-birds?
Jessica: Oh, this and that, discussing computers endlessly as usual.
Selena: [Sarcastically] Geeks!
Jessica: Heh, like you’re not a geek too.
Selena: I is!
Jessica: And we is too.
Selena: This reminds me. I really should update my Mandriva system at home.
I have not in several days, now. And to think I originally had my friend
Aaron install Mandrake Linux for me, because I thought it was cool that
it was called the same as my last name.
Jessica: Heh, maybe you should become Selena Mandriva now.
Jonathan: Or Selena Mageia.
[Selena bursts out laughing.]
Selena: That sounds like a name of a vampire slayer… or a vampire.
Jonathan: Or both.
Selena: Yeah. I told you about how I was nicknamed “Puffy” and then “Buffy”
during one summer camp, right?
Jessica: Yes, many times.
Selena: Yeah, I found it amusing at the time. For a while afterwards, I
insisted that my friends call me “Buffy” until I realised it was silly, and
reverted back to “Selena”.
Jessica: Anyway, I’m off to gym.
Selena: Bye, love you.
[Selena is reading a book and says to herself out loud]
Selena: Selena “Buffy” Mandrake. <b>The</b> Slayer. I like the sound of it.
<s id="at-home-1" title="Selena at Home">
[Selena enters her house, she goes to her room and drops her backpack.
Afterwards, she goes to the kitchen, opens the refrigerator’s door, and pours
a glass of juice. She drinks some of it.]
Selena: What a day!
[After a few more arrangements, she goes to a desktop computer, turns on the
screen, moves the mouse. It’s a screen of Linux with Pidgin running. Selena
scrolls the Pidgin contact list a little, finds someone called
“Mosheh Ben-Amram” and double clicks his icon. A window pops up.]
Selena: [On pidgin] Hi Mosheh!
Mosheh: Good day, Selena.
Selena: Yes, it was pretty good. How was your day?
Mosheh: It was fine. Business is as usual.
Selena: That’s good.
Selena: Well, the highlight is that my friend and mine decided that I should
probably change my name to Selena Mandriva or even Selena Mageia, and become
a mighty vampire slayer.
Mosheh: Hmmm… interesting.
Selena: Yes, “Selena ‘Buffy’ Mageia, *The* Slayer”. Don’t you like the sound
Mosheh: Heh, maybe.
Selena: BTW, when are you going to finally come here to California?
Mosheh: In time. I like it here, in the meanwhile.
Selena: OK. Listen, I need to go and eat supper, so we’ll talk later.
[Selena turns off the computer screen.]
Selena’s internal dialogue: OK, let’s see what there is to eat.
<s id="meet-the-guide" title="Meet the Guide">
[Selena is back at school, and is walking on a corridor, smiling. She opens a
door and the corridor is empty except for “The Guide”, an attractive Goth-style
man who looks in his mid-twenties and is standing there watching her with a
grave facial expression.]
[Selena looks at him, smiles and walks towards him. As she passes him he says
in a dramatic voice:]
The Guide: MAGEIA!
[Selena turns around hesitantly.]
The Guide: BUFFY MAGEIA! THAT IS YOUR DESTINY. AND I SHALL BE YOUR GUIDE.
Selena: I don’t know how you heard of what happened the other day, but it’s
just a joke. My name is Selena Mandrake.
The Guide: YOU KNOW YOU’RE REALLY BUFFY MAGEIA. AND BEING <b>THE</b> SLAYER
IS YOUR DESTINY.
Selena: OK, I think you take Buffy way too seriously. I am not really a Vampire
Slayer, and vampires and the other demons that you could see there don’t really
The Guide: [Giggles] THE PORTRAYAL OF BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER IN THE
TELEVISION SHOW WAS VERY EXAGGERATED. THE REAL BUFFY IN QUESTION IS AN
INCOMPETENT SLAYER. EVEN I AM BETTER THAN HER.
+++: YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, POSSESS FAR GREATER POWERS AND ARE
<b>THE SLAYER</b>. [his eyes are lightened with fire.]
[Selena is startled. ]
Selena: OK, how did you do that fire in your eyes thing.
The Guide: MAGIC. MAGIC PERMEATES THE UNIVERSE.
Selena: This must be some kind of trick. [She starts walking in the corridor
. The Guide is following her.]
Selena: Please don’t follow me. [She opens a door to another corridor]
[In the corridor there’s a scared and screaming high school girl to the left,
and a blood thirsty vampire with his fangs out to the right. The blood thirsty vampire approaches the girl.]
Selena: [She screams] Oh my God!
[The Guide quickly moves her away, and quickly throws a small wooden stake
at the vampire’s heart. The vampire shrieks and evaporates into dust. The
girl looks at him and faints.]
[Selena is startled and looks around while holding her fingers to her mouth.
The Guide moves towards the fainted girl, he makes a gesture around her eyes
with his hand, grabs her hand and guides her through getting off the floor.
The Girl wakes up.]
Karen: [Looks at Selena] Oh hi! I remember you from History class…
Selena: [Uncomfortably] Yes, I’m there.
Karen: We’re also in the same French class, I think.
Selena: [Swallowing her speech] Oui…
Karen: Well, I’d better be going. [She looks at your guide] Wow! Your Goth
friend is really cute. Bye, see you.
Selena: Oh my God, oh my God. Magic.
+++: OK, this cannot be happening. I must be dreaming that. [She finches
various parts of her body. The Guide hits her strongly on her arm.]
Selena: Ouch! OK, I’m not sleeping. Maybe I’m crazy. This seems like
Schizophrenia. Maybe I’ve been unhappy lately, and too much stress or maybe
The Guide: YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, MAGEIA!
Selena: OK, OK. Tell you what? I’ll play along… but even if I am <b>The</b>
Slayer, I won’t be a good one. I’m not into martial arts, and I’m really clumsy.
As much as I like playing Basketball (and I do), I royally suck at it…
The Guide: BUFFY, YOU WON’T NEED MY MEDIOCRE SLAYING SKILLS. YOU POSSESS FAR
GREATER POWERS. THE DEMONS WHO ARE YOUR ENEMIES SHALL BE SLAIN BY YOU ONE BY
ONE, CULMINATING IN NONE OTHER THAN <b>THE MASTER</b>, THE VAMPIRE WITH THE
Selena: Wasn’t he slain at the end of the first season.
[The Guide looks at her unamused.]
Selena: OK, got it - it wasn’t real.
+++: OK now. I’ll guess I’ll just try to be mentally prepared for slaying
such demons as the one we just saw and that you slew.
The Guide: NO. FAR MORE POWERFUL DEMONS THAN THAT INCOMPETENT ONE.
Selena: OK, that’s really comforting.
+++: Well, I guess I’ll go and make the most out of the rest of this recess.
Maybe I’ll go take a walk or just surf the Internet aimlessly.
The Guide: SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCELLENT WAY TO GET PREPARED FOR YOUR DESTINY, MAGEIA.
Selena: Well, slayer or not - I’m still just Selena Mandrake. Well, see you Mr.
The Guide: MAY THE LIGHT SIDE OF THE MAGICAL FORCES OF NATURE GUIDE YOU.
<s id="selena-s-date-at-night" title="Selena’s Date at Night">
[Selena and a boy she’s on a date with (Matthew) are sitting on a bench
in a park, and are finishing eating a pizza tray. Selena looks around
Matthew: Selena, do you want the last slice?
[Pause for a moment]
Selena: What? [She turns to face Matthew.]
Matthew: The last slice, would you like to eat it?
Selena: Ah, no, that’s OK - I’m full.
Matthew: OK, I’ll eat it later.
+++: You seem distracted.
Selena: Yeah, I have a lot on my mind.
Matthew: Anything you’d like to share?
Selena: Nah, it’s not something I can actually share. [She looks around and
turns back to face Matthew] I probably was an awful date tonight - so
self-centred, so non-talkative. You probably think I’m always like that.
And Matthew, frankly, you were really great tonight.
Matthew: I don’t think you have been a bad date, Selena. [Selena smiles. Matthew
moves the pizza box to his other side, and gets closer to Selena.]
Selena: OK, let’s improve this date even more.
[She closes her eyes and Matthew reaches to kiss her. Selena kisses him back.
The Camera moves upwards.]
<s id="john-and-alan" title="John and Alan">
[Selena is sitting at a library doing her maths’ homework with many pencils
scattered around the table, pages with equations, etc. .]
Alan: [From the distance] Hey, where can we find Miss Selena Mandrake here?
Librarian: [From the distance] She’s right there.
Alan: Thank you, madame.
[Alan and John approach. They are two young British men, dressed in
cheap, commercial clothing.]
Alan: Hello, Miss Mandrake. I’m Alan. [she shakes his hand.]
John: John. [shakes his hand.]
Alan: We’re mighty vampires.
Selena: [Amusingly] Selena Mandrake, mighty pirate.
John: Wow! You’ve played the Monkey Islands too? That’s so cool.
Selena: Yes, I have. How may I be of service?
Alan: Well, according to the Codex, we’re supposed to be slain by you.
Selena: Well, Codex or not, I have no intention of directly slaying vampires,
because even if they are blood sucking parasites, I’m not too big into
initiatory force and all.
John: Hey, we are completely non-violent vampires. We don’t suck blood.
Selena: I thought all vampires suck blood.
John: Bullocks, hen. Vampires come in all shapes and sizes.
Selena: Lovely, so I guess I’m not going to slay you.
John: Sounds good.
Selena: Anyway, I see you come from the old mother land.
John: Yes, we are British blokes, all right. Lots of vampires are Brits.
I’m from Yorkshire and Alan here…
John: Alan is from London.
Selena: Great. It’s too bad so many Americans are oblivious to all the great
British culture. America is too culturally inbred.
Alan: Totally! Like many of the people we talked to have not watched <b>all</b>
of the Monty Python skits.
John: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Alan: I know: suicide squad!
[Selena is startled. Alan and John take two pencils and say, they put the
pencils to their heart and say.]
Alan: All dead! [gives John a high five.]
Selena: Wait! These pencils are made out of wood.
John and Alan: OH NO! WE HAVE BEEN SLAIN BY BUFFY MAGEIA, THE SLAYER.
[They cry and evaporate into dust.]
Selena: Oh, crap! [She touches the chairs where they sat with her finger.]
[She gets up. and moves out of the frame.]
Selena’s Voice: Mrs. Chu, do you know where I can find a small broom?
<s id="selenas-18s-birthday-party" title="Selena’s 18th Birthday Party">
[Selena is standing near a cake with 18 lit candles, and the number 18 on
it, surrounded by many of her friends.]
The crowd: Happy birthday, Selena!
[ Selena blows the candles in a few tries. ]
The crowd: Many returns of the day. [Selena is smiling, says “Thank you”
and walks away.]
[Matthew approaches Selena]
Matthew: Birthday kiss? [Selena smiles and they kiss.]
Selena: Well, I'm gonna go to the kitchen for a while — feel free to cut
[Selena walks away.]
<s id="selena-meets-mephiqoleth" title="Selena Meets Mephiqoleth">
[Selena goes to the kitchen smiling, opens the refrigerator's door and takes
out some refreshmeats and arranges them on the table and then she opens
a cupboard's door only to discover a small human like demon inside.]
Selena: Why, hello there! I guess you did not RSVP.
Selena: Judging by the recent happenings, I guess that's me.
+++: So what do you shall I write on your name tag?
Mephiqoleth: MY NAME IS MEPHIQOLETH.
Selena: Oh. Is it Emm, Ee, Pee...
Mephiqoleth: it is written in Leshon Haqodesh.
Selena: “Leshon Haqodesh”? The holy tongue? You mean:
Mephiqoleth: YES!!!… HEBREW! [Non-dramatically] I am Jewish.
Selena: Jewish? But you're not human.
Mephiqoleth: THERE ARE JEWS OF MANY SPECIES.
Selena: Really? That's great - can I have a Jewish lady cat? I want one
so she can mother cute little Jewish kittens.
[Cut to Mephiqoleth - he is not amused.]
Selena: You are not amused, demons are never amused. I should have learned
that by now.
+++: Anyway, what is it you want from me?
Mephiqoleth: MAGEIA, YOU ARE NOW EIGHT AND TEN YEARS OLD - YOU ARE NOW A
Selena: So I've suddenly become a woman at 18? I'm only one day older than
yesterday, and I had my period for many years now, and…
Mephiqoleth: YOU MUST TEST ME! I POSSESS POWERFUL MYSTICAL POWERS, AND YOU
MUST SEE IF THEY ARE POWERFUL ENOUGH FOR YOU.
Selena: They are. I believe you.
Mephiqoleth: NOT SO QUICKLY. MY GREATEST MYSTICAL POWER, WHICH FEW OTHER DEMONS
POSSESS, IS MY TELEPORTATION ABILITY. I CAN TELEPORT YOU ANYWHERE.
Selena: You can? Like where?
Mephiqoleth: ANYWHERE YOU WANT!
Selena: OK… well, I'm feeling adventurous, so I want the crème-de-la-crème,
the cat whiskers, the face that launched a thousand ships…
Mephiqoleth: YOU DO NOT MEAN… <b>THE AMBER!</b>.
Selena: Yes, the Amber. The Amber being…
Mephiqoleth: …THE MYSTICAL CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE AND BEYOND.
Selena: Yes! Smashing!
Mephiqoleth: YOU WILL LIKELY NOT SURVIVE THE AMBER.
Selena: Oh try me.
Mephiqoleth: Very well.
Selena: Just one thing, can you please wait with teleporting me to
<b>the Amber</b> until Spring break, so I can get ready and safely
return back home.
Mephiqoleth: OF COURSE, I AM TIMELESS. FAREWALL, MAGEIA, I SHALL MEET YOU
AGAIN DURING THIS SO-CALLED ”SPRING BREAK“ WHEN YOU ARE MORE PREPARED. UNTIL
THEN, MAY YOU BE WELL.
[Mephiqoleth fades away into thin air leaving Selena amused.]
Selena: Well, I suppose a one way trip to the Amber is also a fine Birthday
present. [She smiles]
Jessica’s voice from the main hall: Selena, is everything OK, why aren't you
coming back? Don't you want some cake.
Selena: Yes, sorry, I'm coming, I'm coming. [She takes the trays and leaves
<s id="what-are-you-going-to-do-in-spring-break" title="So what are you going to do in spring break?">
[Selena, Jessica and Jonathan are standing near their lockers arranging stuff.]
Jessica: spring break at last!
Jonathan: yeah, thank God.
Selena: yes, I could use some rest too.
Jessica: so, Selena, what are your plans for the trip.
Selena: oh, I'm going on a trip.
Jonathan: really? A trip.
Selena: yep, a trip.
Selena: oh, it shall be a surprise. [The bell rings] Home time, bye!!! [She
[Jessica and Jonathan look at each other]
Jonathan: what an exit!
Jessica: yes… [she sighs].
<s id="mephiqoleth-does-his-magic" title="Mephiqoleth does his magic">
[Selena is wearing a backpack full of various trip utilities and wears a pouch
bag, and approaches the cupboard of Mephiqoleth. She opens it. Mephiqoleth is
Mephiqoleth: I see you are ready, Mageia.
Selena: yep! Got my traveller's checks, some dollars, my mobile, my passport,
some water, some snacks. Not sure if they will help with surviving The Amber,
but I can always hope.
Mephiqoleth: I could have used my conjuring spells to conjure it for you.
Selena: well, as someone who saw enough of your demons' lot's shenanigans,
<b>and</b> some episodes of Sabrina, there's no way I will trust such magically
Mephiqoleth: you may be right. Magic can be a double-edged sword.
+++: but back to business. Are you sure you want me to teleport you to the
Selena: positive. Do your worst!
Mephiqoleth: fair enough.
[Mephiqoleth raises his hands and says in Hebrew, as the Hebrew letters (in
the modern Hebrew alphabet) appear on the highlighted floor, with a darkened
room and the Hebrew letters of the spoken message expand outward.]
Mephiqoleth: אלוהי אברהם, יצחק ויעקב, שגר את באפי מאגיה, הקוטלת, אל… [The god of Abraham, Yitzhak and Yaakov, please teleport Buffy Mageia, The Slayer, to…]
Mephiqoleth: … האמבר. [The Amber]
<s id="selena-in-the-amber" title="Selena in the Amber">
[ Seen through Selena's Eyes, the scenery morphs into the untidy living room
of, in midday, in a “villa" in Ramat Aviv Gimel, Tel Aviv. The birds are
tweeting outside and there's a feeling of tranquility. ]
[Cut to Selena inside the house. She looks around]
Selena: that's the Amber? It's pretty nice here. Hope I'm not trespassing.
[The door gets unlocked and opens. Mrs Mendelssohn enters.]
Mrs. Mendelssohn: [startled] why hello there. Who might you be?
Selena: oh, Selena Mandrake. At your service! Nice to meet you [she approaches her and extends her hands.]
Mrs. Mendelssohn: nice to meet you: Mrs. Catherine Mendelssohn.
Selena: nice to meet you. Just a question: [she looks around] where am I?
Mrs. Mendelssohn: in the Mendelssohn residence.
Selena: which is in?
Mrs. Mendelssohn: Tel Aviv.
Selena: Tel Aviv, Israel?
Mrs. Mendelssohn: indeed.
Selena: oh cool! [ She wears her cap hat. ]
+++: I heard Israel looks the best in the spring.
Mrs. Mendelssohn: yes, it does.
Selena: well, good bye. I'm going to go. Farewell.
Mrs. Mendelssohn: good bye.
Mrs. Mendelssohn: [to herself] what a strange girl. Better have a talk with
Yaron about inviting his friends over.
<s id="selenas-impressions-from-Israel" title="Selena’s impressions from Israel">
[ Selena is standing in the living room holding a remote control to the
television showing photos from her trip to Israel. ]
<s id="selena-meets-mosheh-and-aharon" title="Selena meets Mosheh and Aharon">
[ Selena is walking in a nice park. ]
[ Selena's internal dialogue: Matthew and I got accepted into different
universities, so we parted ways. Jessica, Jonathan and I are still chatting
over the Internet and stuff. Meanwhile, I started studying Near East
Archaeology in a different university in California, and now have to learn
Sumerian, Akkadian, Phoenician, and Aramaic, at least for now.
Cuneiform is driving me mad, so I'm looking for a pastoral place to study it.
This park is really lovely.
[Mosheh and Aharon, who resemble Moses and Aaron from the Bible approach
Selena from a different pathway. They are wearing backpacks.]
Mosheh: oh, there she is. [they approach her].
Mosheh: hi, Miss Mandrake? Nice to meet you. I am Mosheh Ben-Amram - this is
my brother, Aharon. [they extend their hands.]
[Selena looks angry. Cut to a long shot of the trees.]
Selena’s Voice: [in a loud and angry tone] you bloody fucks!!!
[Cut to Selena standing next to Mosheh and Aharon.]
Selena: I can't believe you people… you… vampires.
+++: I want to kill you, I so am, but it will probably be futile, because if
you survived since now, there’s no way I can hurt you at all.
Mosheh: well, not physically, but you certainly can mentally.
Selena: Mr. Mosheh - this is not the time to make such silly jokes.
+++: tell me one thing: why me? <b>wha - hay</b> me? Why was I chosen to be
<b>The Slayer</b> and then, the… the…
Aharon: the dispeller!
Selena: exactly. Was it destiny? [starts crying] Was it fate? Did I want to?
[ Mosheh and Ahraon drag Selena to a bench, where she sits down and wheeps. ]
Selena: and what kind of slayer cries like a baby?
Mosheh: here - have a handkerchief.
Selena: thank you. [Weeps into the handerkerchief.]
Mosheh: and don't worry, Selena, some of our most admired and toughest male
warrior vampires, had cried in lesser conditions than yours.
Selena: [cries some more] OK, I'm the dispeler, now what do we do?
Mosheh: whatever you want.
Selena: should I dispel stuff?
Mosheh: you already did, but it was done by vampires, both human and non-human,
since the beginning of the universe.
Selena: then why do they need me?
Mosheh: well, how should I start. I gather you've watched Star Trek: Deep Space
Selena: I did, great show. Hold it, hold it! Not their prophets and the Vadeks
and Kai Win, and...
Mosheh: yep, they are all real to an extent (minus some Hollywood deviations,
Selena: oh God… who is probably Don Knuth, right. I know the “Knuth is not God”
Mosheh: well, according to the prophets he is “The God” and “The Neo-Tech God”.
Selena: why Neo-Tech.
Mosheh: because we are part of “The Neo-Tech conspiracy for establish the
Selena: wasn't it established thousands of years ago?
Aharon: well, like the prophets would say “Before? After?”.
Selena: got it.
Selena: OK, so people dispelled in the past, and they needed me as some kind
of role model to look up to to dispel. How lame!
+++: But what were these slaying tests, with The Guide, and these weird demons,
and… God, they made me feel so helpless, and mad, and sad, and… all for becoming
a silly Bajorean God?
+++: [she stands up] Couldn't you have given me a written examination?
Aharon: heh, like in Space Quest 5?
Selena: yeah! I guess. Wait, you've played it?
Mosheh: we both did.
Selena: two of the founders of the Jewish religion, and mythical and highly
revered characters, whom lots of religious people would be exhilirated to talk
to had nothing better to do with their time than play a silly computerised
Mosheh: Selena, one of the redeeming quality of vampires is that no matter how
much they live, they always live in the present.
Selena: I see. [Selena giggles.]
Mosheh: I should also tell you about the Q continuum.
Selena: yes, I gather it existed, only it seems that the Qs cannot be
Mosheh: they are not. They are regular humanoids, often aliens who have
ascended to be vampires and Qs, and who possess extremely powerful (but not
omnipotent or “supernatural”) technology.
Selena: I see. Did they provide the special effects?
Mosheh: you guessed it.
Selena: OK, I'm still mad at you. But since I'm still find all this fascinating
(got to being an Archaeologist-wannabe and stuff), I'm going to continue talking
to you, despite being mad.
Mosheh: sure. You may wish to know that the Bajoran scholars considered
dispelling as the next logical level after slaying.
Selena: and The Slayer was Buffy from the show?
Mosheh: no. The fictional Buffy Anne Summers was a mighty slayer, but she
was just The Vampire Slayer. The Slayer and the concept of slaying predates
Selena: I see. So whom do I have the dubious honour to succeed?
Mosheh: this is a complicated story, but let me ask you: have you read The
Selena: by Dumas? Of course! … What?! Milady de-Winter?! She?!
Mosheh: the more accurate story is a bit more complicated, but maybe you’d
like to hear it from a more authoritative source.
Mosheh: look behind you.
[Selena turns around and notices a black-haired attractive white woman,
looking in her twenties or thirties.]
Selena: [sheepishly] hi, who might you be?
Stranger Woman: oh Selena, I feel like I've known you all my life.