shlomi-fish-homepage / t2 / humour / bits / COBOL-the-New-Age-Programming-Language / index.html.wml

#include '../template.wml'

#include <utils.wml>

<latemp_subject "COBOL - The New Age Programming Language" />
<latemp_more_keywords "COBOL, parody, funny, humour, humor" />

<note>
<h2 id="note">Note (3-July-2010)</h2>

<p>
I originally planned to prepare a parodical page about COBOL (more
parodying the pages of modern languages than COBOL per-ce) a few years
back, but due to some recent developments, it seems that I've missed that
boat. So here are my notes about COBOL, with a little organisation, just
in case it will make you chuckle.
</p>

</note>

<h2 id="content">The Content</h2>

<img src="astronaut.png" alt="NASA Astronaut" /><br />
<p>
NASA Uses COBOL.
</p>

<p>
And so do:
</p>

<ul>
<li>Your bank.</li>
<li>Your insurance company.</li>
<li>Your government.</li>
</ul>

<p>
COBOL runs your life.
</p>

<hr />

<p>
COBOL is the old Java.
</p>

<hr />

<p>
COBOL has its own modern web-framework:
<a href="http://www.coboloncogs.org/INDEX.HTM">COBOL on COGS</a>.
</p>

<hr />

<h3 id="other-people-say">What other people say</h3>

<!--
Taken from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Larry_Wall_YAPC_2007.jpg .
-->
<img src="larry-wall-small.jpg" alt="Larry Wall"
title="Larry Wall Small Photo from the English Wikipedia">

<p>
<q>COBOL [is] … (Cargo Cult) English…</q>
</p>

<p>
-- <a href="http://www.perl.org.il/presentations/larry-wall-present-continuous-future-perfect/transcript.html#Irrationalities_in_Other_Languages_.285:54.29">Larry Wall (the Creator of Perl)</a>
</p>

<p>
<q>COBOL was an evolutionary dead-end.</q> [it
was so good it didn't have to evolve further.]
</p>

<p>
-- <a href="http://www.paulgraham.com/hundred.html">Paul Graham (Guru extraordinaire)</a>
</p>

<p>
<q>It's harder to read code than to write it.</q> [Especially if it's COBOL.]
</p>

<p>
-- <a href="http://www.joelonsoftware.com/articles/fog0000000069.html">Joel
Spolsky (Guru extraordinaire)</a>
</p>

<p>
I was lost, but now I'm found:
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grace_Hopper">Amazing Grace</a>!
</p>

<p>
-- <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT88jBAoVIM">LeAnn Rimes</a>
</p>

<hr />

<p>
Of course Paul Graham was finally wrong about COBOL being an
evolutionary dead-end! COBOL now has a modern language
based on it: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LOLCODE">LOLCODE</a>!
</p>

<p>
Example:
</p>

<pre>
HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
VISIBLE "I WUZ ONE-S KOBBOL!"
KTHXBYE
</pre>

<hr />

<p>
COBOL has an Object-Oriented Programming extension called 
"ADD 1 TO COBOL GIVING COBOL".
</p>

<hr />

<p>
COBOL does not have all the computer sciency baggage that other languages have:
</p>

<ul>

<li>
COBOL does not support object-oriented programming.
</li>

<li>
COBOL does not support <a href="http://www.joelonsoftware.com/items/2006/08/01.html">closures</a>.
</li>

<li>
COBOL is not a dynamic language.
</li>

<li>
COBOL supports functional programming roughly as much as C++ supports
object-oriented programming.
</li>

<li>
COBOL does not support procedural recursion.
</li>

<li>
COBOL does not have a built-in support for regular expressions.
</li>

</ul>

<p>
You name it - COBOL doesn't have it. Get rid of all the cruft, and you only
have what you need to get the job done!
</p>
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